If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
