Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
