I wish I could punch you in the face.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I want her autograph on my taint
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
