If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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