Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
