I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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