Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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