So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
