i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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