I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
