I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
