This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
