This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
