From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
