My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
