it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
