why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
