Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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