i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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