Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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