Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
