This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
