at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
