Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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