i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
