it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I am midnight drunk by noon
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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