Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
