Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
