my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
