Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
