Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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