You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
