he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
