God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
