I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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