Hey man sorry I got all grabby
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
