I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Four minutes until I can fart!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
