Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
