my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I will pee on everything he values.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
