I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
