Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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