Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
A+ Viking dick
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
