My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I want a musical about memes.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
