I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
