I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
