The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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