Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
