Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
