Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
