my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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