I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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