its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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