Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
