I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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