So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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